Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
This probably isn’t good
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Plant care tips
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*