Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce