a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
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Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Care for your back
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?