My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Happy Star Wars day!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”