My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
![]()
You Might Also Like
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.