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Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.