I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
good work, detective
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.