I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*