Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Growing up was a huge mistake
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar