Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Bringing home a sharpie
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win