Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I’m already scared
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When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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