My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.