[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Finally!