If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Smooooooth
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.