Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.