I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
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Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”