Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
😍😂🥰😂😍
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.