my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.