Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
i hate you platonically
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
you have three unread messages
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!