“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
*mops up wine with cat*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Meowchelangelo
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.