If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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AM I BEING GASLIT????
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*