Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
You Might Also Like
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Goat cheese is for herders.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats