I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
You Might Also Like
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
no such thing as a dumb question
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
cats when you pet them too long:
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.