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Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball