[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx