It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha