At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.