@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
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Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
That’s easy for you to say
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Festive toon…
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :