Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
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Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.