if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.