Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
This took me a second..
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Cashiers are always checking me out
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*