We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there