We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.