without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
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This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Only Americans understand
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-