My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
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I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve