I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.