I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
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Twitter is an abusement park.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
bro what is going on at twitter
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately