I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
not to brag, but mine was free
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.