Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
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My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.