I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
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All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P