Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.