I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
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FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Need WebMD
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.