[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
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Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection