Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen