Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him