Unsolicited sandwich pics.
You Might Also Like
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.