Unsolicited sandwich pics.
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“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.