Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]