Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom