@CubanaMama82

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

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@thepaulasuzanne

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

@MichaelTrying

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

@TheRealNickKay

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

@dorsalstream

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

@newLettuce

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

@amburgklur

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

@MarieColette

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

@annmargarita72

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

@patnspankme

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

@caithuls

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help