If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

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Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it



*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*


friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder


It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.



*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*


Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend


judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?


Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”