@thepaulasuzanne True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
@CubanaMama82 If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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@thepaulasuzanne 
@MichaelTrying Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
@TheRealNickKay Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
@dorsalstream [kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
@newLettuce Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
@amburgklur If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
@MarieColette I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
@annmargarita72 I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
@patnspankme Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
@caithuls OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help