Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”