“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
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if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.