Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
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Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
uh oh
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Children of the corn 🌽
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.