Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
You Might Also Like
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My inexpensive home security system…
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general