My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I already tried new things thanks.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks