if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
adam and eve had first world problems
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.