There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Meat Cute
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan